TOO MUCH SWEARING, I AGREE
All right, this absolutely sucks. Yes, there you go. I said it. It already sucks. Officially. I know I’m usually a little optimistic than this but fuck, man. Okay, I had fun on New Year’s night. I’ll agree to that. But shit went downhill after that. LANDSLIDE. My college was supposed to open but fucking new variant. I kinda had feelings for someone and they stomped all over. My bad, I guess. Isn’t it always? Yes, I rolled my eyes and smacked my head while writing the last sentence. But the worst part is, they came out to tell me that they liked me first and that was the end before the beginning itself. The thinnest chance he’s reading this at all. By some miracle, if you are, then fuck you, man. Thank you for making me regret something that’s not even worthy of regret. Moving on. On a rather cheerful note, I’m gonna be nineteen in a few days. I’m usually very excited about my birthday for very obvious reasons. If any of you go “But you’re eighteen. Grow up,” you’re easily not my favorite person. “Having something to look forward to” is the motto of every day. You know, I realized something. I talk about myself being such a “no fucks given” person, but sometimes I do. And every time I do, it turns out to be a huge mistake. Big-time sad waves hit me out of nowhere. My head goes blank. I fucking cry in the shower like a shitty cliche. “Validate your feelings,” I know. It’s just so difficult to live in constant fear, isn’t it? Giving this question “Does it only matter to me?” free space in your mind is fucking exhausting. And guess what, every time I doubted something, shit blew to hell. Every time I told myself it would be different now, I got to laugh at myself. For being an extrovert, for being how I am, for having a heart, I guess. No, I’m not crying, don’t worry. I already shared something like this with a person who’s known me for a relatively short time but still hasn’t run away. So, let’s see about that. So much for being hopeful, I know. I met a few new people who are younger than me but seem fun. That’s something. I don’t plan on getting attached to anybody. I mean, haven’t I seen enough to know better? I FUCKING HAVE. What a sad fucking thing to agree to. I know a few of you have “actual” problems, but dude, these are actual problems too. I feel utterly lonely these days and I just have no clue what to do. Trying to get over my writing block has been a huge pain in the ass. Some random guy tells me that I need to write as fast as I can to be settled by a certain age. What the fuck, dude? You don’t think I know that? Seriously? Just do your stuff and shut up about my life advice. Spotify can only cure me so much. My brother has an existing social life, which I’m very proud and very jealous of. I don’t take shame in agreeing to that. This is my free space, yea? So that’s that. One of the recent friends I’d made more or less threw a “fuck you” at my face. Kind of dealing with that too. It’s just weird. How much a person and I could be the same in so many ways and yet they just up and go out of nowhere. That’s the only thing that bothers me the most. The fear of the other person just shrugging everything off like it all never meant anything.
I know a few of you will still tell me, “They don’t deserve you, that’s why they left. Don’t give a shit.” I already don’t give a lot of fucks, but when it comes to this, I can’t think in the same way, alright? How many people am I just supposed to let go? You tell me that and I’ll stop giving any shits that I “accidentally” might’ve given until now.
Much more shit to share, many more blog posts to explode. All I want to say is that do what makes you truly happy. I don’t think we can be very sure of long lives at this point. So yea, just make sure the people you love actually know that you do.
