ICY

I’LL GIVE YOU A DISCLAIMER: THIS IS GOING TO BE SAD, SO IF YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD DAY, I WOULD ADVISE YOU DON’T READ THIS.
Not like I have readers in double digits, but whatever.

You know how I always leave cute messages after making you read shit I’ve written, right? Yea, well. That’s not like me. At all. I’m not the flowery or lovey-dovey type. I’m normally positive, not enthusiastically nice. Some would say I’m even icy, and I don’t disagree. I seriously don’t. I just don’t show my good side to everyone. Some get the boot and come to a conclusion that I’m like that. Fuck it, they’re ASSES. But now because I’m loud, I made a fucking statement. I dyed half my hair blue as if representing that “ice”. And I love it, I don’t care what you have to say. Talking about not caring, I say that I don’t care what people think and I certainly don’t. But there still are a few people whose opinions matter to me. Dammit, I’m not “that” much of a stone, alright? I start liking people way too soon and too much, I guess. Which never serves well. TODAY I’M GOING TO CALL OUT ON SOME SPECIFIC PEOPLE AND I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHERE THAT WOULD LAND ME WITH THEM. Not like they’re not going to read it. I made this new guy friend. Not new-new but whatever. We talked a lot. About so many things too. There were similarities, there were contradictions, there was a good and genuine friendship. Yea, was. I don’t know where we stand now. Look, I can take late replies to my messages. But what I can’t take is that evident disappearance of that vibe or energy or excitement or whatever the fuck that shit is. And it was clearly gone in his texts after a while. Generally, I would’ve left it at that. But then, I don’t give up either. So, I kept texting and shit. I know, MY FAULT. I won’t disagree with you on that. Not a bit. We had made plans to meet as soon as we were done with our exams. And I was excited because sitting at home every day can be tiring, okay? Then he tells me he’s going off of social media, which I respected. It’s your fucking choice, I don’t get a say in it. So then I asked him about our meet-up again when I hadn’t even mentioned the venue or time or literally anything. I just asked him if he was still up for it and he said that he was busy at that time. At what time dude? I wanted to ask but then, I don’t know if he meant it or not to be received that way, I WAS DONE. If I asked him about it he would obviously say, “I didn’t mean it like that, you misunderstood.” What a fucking easy escape. I’m tired of hearing that. I really am. If you hadn’t meant that then fucking state your words with care, you fucking illiterate. That’s that. There’s this other friend with whom I’m really close. Maybe that was also just me. At this point, I have no clue what was only me and what has been me and them. We had this one date night for fun a month ago or so and we agreed to have another one too. When I asked her about it again a day or so ago, she completely ignored that message. I mean, if you’re not up for it, fucking tell that. Be fucking straight, for God’s sake. We haven’t been talking very much either, which stings. Because she has, unfortunately, yes, UNFORTUNATELY, become someone I consider to be close to me. MY FUCKING MISTAKE, I guess. Oh, and yesterday night I was in a hangout and the others were talking about some horror movies and videos shit. Anything remotely related to such things scares me, alright? Now you’ll say you’re fucking eighteen, stop being scared of something that you’re not even sure exists. TO YOU ALL, A BIG FUCK YOU. Go to hell. It’s my fucking fear, you do not get to judge it. You don’t get to make fun of me because I'm scared of it. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MAKE ME WATCH SCARY STUFF AND “ENJOY” MY REACTIONS. YOU. FUCKING. DON’T. Get that into your fucking bent dumb-ass brains. Actually, first of all, get your heads out of your asses. It’s easy for you to say that it’s not scary. BUT I AM NOT YOU. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT. STOP GIVING YOUR OPINIONS ABOUT MY FUCKING FEELINGS. Would you not ask me to shut up if I were continuously talking about books? Don’t you dare say no. And what would you say if I said, “Jesus, you don’t read much? How sad.” You’ll fucking punch me in the face and say, “Bitch, it’s my choice.” You get what I’m trying to say? YOU BETTER, YOU ASSHOLES. You might not realize what you’re doing to the other person while telling them, “It’s fun though,” about something that scares them to their core. FUCKING THINK. Also, not like anyone is going to notice but I deactivated my Instagram account. I can’t take people bailing on me with a bent-ass reason and them chilling with someone else. When I told all of this to that one guardian angel I have, she just…………understood. I felt so happy that she did, I realized no one ever fucking understood me when I needed them to. Fucking sad, I’m aware of that.

PRO TIP: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO PISS ME OFF ANY MORE THAN WHAT I AM NOW, DON’T EVER ASK ME TO “CHILL”, DON’T EVER SAY THAT TO ME. BECAUSE BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME THAT YOU MATTER SO MUCH TO ME THAT YOU CAN PISS ME OFF, DAMMIT.

Thank you, I’m done. If I remember something else, I’ll write again. Take care of yourselves, no one else will. It’s quite clear to me now.